Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Not with that attitude
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.