Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

never stops being funny

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche