Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End