Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.