BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
You Might Also Like
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
when u come home smelling like another dog
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”