@truegritrumble

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

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@metickleu

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

@OctopusCaveman

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

@mexinonblonde

I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.

@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@kumailn

Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.

@shashaintl

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

@snack_lord

Spider Can, Spider Can, bunch of spiders in a can. Shake it up, spiders mad, open it, they bite your hand. Look out! I have a spider can

@Samiam556

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

@mrjohndarby

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks