Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home