been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
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Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
😭😭
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.