been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
worst…sale…ever
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
#MeanwhileInCanada
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here