Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Is this the real life?
Is this just

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]