been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.