been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
