been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
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*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.