Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.