Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.