Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

Never be a pizza!

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool