”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…![]()
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.![]()
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!