”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…![]()
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The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.