Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.