Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
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Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics