Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
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You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I like long walks away from everyone
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Love this guy
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.