Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
You Might Also Like
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Boom, boom, ching!
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
SF is the wild wild west man
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
life lately
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?