Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
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“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
