Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

No one can handle that

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

When does CPR become necrophilia?

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there