Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

this has to be peak English

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.