Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this