Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

getting groceries

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

I’m listening

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.