Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

Ummm 😳

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

🏠

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.