Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.