Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Death certificates are our last participation award.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

New mindset, who dis?

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.