Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
you have three unread messages
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
it be like that