Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
How about daylight saves us for once