Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
It’s on my to-do list.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.