Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”