Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.