Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no