been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
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I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Best misinterpreted text ever!
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.