Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
You better watch out
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”