Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
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I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)