Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor