Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
fair
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.