@wolfpupy

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

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@JohnHilsen

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

@erichwithach

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

@SeanEmeny

“My place is a mess” – Every girl, ever…. “Well in that case, I’m not coming in” – No guy, ever

@tracietom

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

@AlexRogaski

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

@Underchilde

All these fireworks and still my girlfriend has the shortest fuse.

@teacup_giraffe

Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”

@AndyRichter

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

@ThisLocalHater

You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger