been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
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I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
screw you
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
CRYING
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]