been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

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Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.


Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.


“My place is a mess” – Every girl, ever…. “Well in that case, I’m not coming in” – No guy, ever


Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred


[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?


All these fireworks and still my girlfriend has the shortest fuse.


Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”


HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.


You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger