been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
And then there were 4
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands