Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
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Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
mom gave me mine for free
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.