Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
This is hilarious
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.