Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.