Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend