Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

perfect

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.