Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
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Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here