Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
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#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
I think I’m gonna be sick
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.