Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
