Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Pass gas, not judgment.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?