Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.