Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.