Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.