Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”