Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
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My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
My neck my back my allergy attack
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“I FIXED IT!”
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