Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
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“What?”
– Jude
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
The Friday File.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Favourite diary entry ever
