Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

relationship goals

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I wish I could veto my bills.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.