been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
