been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
