Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC