@BackrowSeats

Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.

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@bingowings14

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

@Royal_Stein

Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

@mrsauntiepam

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

@Aikiwomannc

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

@david8hughes

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

@urmumsausername

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

@CantWaitToNap

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

@Myboysmum

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.

@ericsshadow

ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.