Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.

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Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%


Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer


To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.


Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.


“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”


*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?


Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …


There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.


The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.


ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.