“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
What’s so funny?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Worst Native American name ever.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective