Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do