Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak