Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
What the hell is going on?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.