Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

💀💀

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror