Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Good morning ☺️
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.