Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Autocarrot sucks!

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

WTF IS THAT!

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Owl Sanctuary

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]