Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
🌱🌱🌱
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.