Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
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Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The Friday File.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.