Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I wish I were this cool 😂
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
