Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Jus’ sayin. 😐

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”