Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)