been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
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[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.