Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great first step 😂

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.