Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies