Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.