Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

thoughts?

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

no way 😭

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?