Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

Stop.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks