Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
what day is it?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.